shinytoyrobots

For the Night is Dark, and Full of Whatevers - Game of Thrones, Season 8, Episode 4

May 05, 2019

Obviously there are spoilers

This recap written “live” while watching.

I forgot my office dead pool this week. Um…fighty pirate man (Euron), any sand snakes that are still alive (are they?), and…the Hound.

‘Chernobyl’ looks really good, by the way.

“Previously on…” Jaime/Cersei sexy times, and then “kill Jaime” from Qyburn to Bronn. The bullshit “legitimacy” argument from Jon. Recap of fight stuff and the surprisingly minor character deaths (bar Jorah, maybe). Even the recap basically forgets that there were White Walkers and zombies.

On with the idiocy!

(Does the opening sequence actually have a scorpion - a.k.a. big crossbow - pointing at a dragon?)

Jorah’s dead. Woe is Dany. And we have time to focus on it because nobody else particularly important died in the “battle to end all battles” last episode.

Oh, and Theon is dead. Sansa being all classy and making him a Stark (I guess she can do that officially, too, being Lady Stark).

Ghost looks about the most wounded of anyone. Which is surprising, really, given how many of them had totally last minute escapes after being buried by seven million zombies only to be miraculously rescued.

It’s all very well saying “they were the shields who guarded the realms of men”, but…seriously. Anyone down in the South now, because this all happened at Winterfell, is gonna be “…zombies and magic men…riiiiiight?”

Everyone gets to light a corpse on fire in an emotional way. Sad musics.

They got that fire working well, though. Night King or not, they probably should have used that in the ditch last episode.

Cut to Candlemas…

The Hound’s primary purpose is to eat in an angry way.

I hate Gendrya as a concept.

Oh, fuck off, Dany. Blah blah blah “your family took my throne”. Still, she gave a bastard a castle, so that works for Gendry.

The Hound continued to eat in an angry way.

It’s not that clever, Dany.

I also hate Jamienne as a concept.

Throwing shade and drinking wine

That high table! Looking very solemn.

Now the Hound is drinking in an angry way.

Dull vague words of wisdom from Bran, and then back to drinking and celebration.

Sansa/Dany mini stare. Although Jon and Dany seem cheery times again.

“But I’ve been riding a fucking dragon for years,” thinks Dany, while Tormud goes on about Jon’s dragon shenanigans. A lot of male bonding here…with the emphasis on maleness and king-ness.

Feeling a little isolated, Dany?

Tyrion ruins Jaime and Brienne’s awkward flirting. Although Tormud was there to bring some immediate romance to the moment.

Friendzoned…and not…

Oh, the look on Tormud’s face! :(

The Hound also refuses sex in an angry way.

Sansa’s little scene was badass though. No longer “little bird” indeed.

Can Sansa do with a moment of hand holding what Dany needs to give someone a castle for?

Oh…Gendry…that’s awkward. Still, hopefully can put the kibosh on Gendrya permanently.

Actually, Jaime, the first thing you learned in the north was how to throw the most boring Stark child out of a tower window.

But do we still have to suffer Jaimenne? I like both of them as characters. I like that both the characters like each other and respect each other hugely. I hate the pointless writing that’s forced them to be romantically involved.

Auntzoned…and…

Feels like Missandei got stuck having to spend a long time today doing Dany’s plaits, while everyone else was mourning and celebrating.

Skipping quickly past the aunt/nephew thing and the “legitimate heir” thing…and then…awkward. Awkward about incest or awkward about reigning. And a moment of genuine insight from Dany, that nobody in Westeros has any interest in bowing to her as a monarch!

Oh…not so much. She just wants Jon to shut up about it completely. So we’re setting up for some kind of Dany trying to kill Jon, Sam, and Bran, at some point.

Although she is right that the truth will destroy them (but then the falsehood probably will, too).

Mapquest

We’ve got half of everyone, and they have the Golden Company. But, to be fair, there are dragons, right? Better start building those scorpions on the walls, Cersei!

Once again, Sansa with the sensible thoughts. “Maybe have a rest!”

They just, like one minute ago, specifically told you that Cersei is losing allies daily. So that “every day I wait my enemies get stronger” is kinda bullshit.

Can Sansa punch Jon in the throat, too?

Sisters are more sensible

Arya and Sansa are totally on point, though.

Oh…but there’s a minor twist on that “you’re my brother” thing…

Bran didn’t swear shit, though.

Brothers being direct

A very brief interrogation about the sadly unnecessary Brienne sexy time, immediately interrupted by Bronn.

This whole plot is kinda weird. Did Bronn pick up the Westeros teleporter to jump up to the north a day after the battle for Winterfell?

But why Bronn, would you immediately bet on the dragons? You had one scorpion in the middle of a supply train and you still winged Drogon.

And then he…what…teleports away again? Is Bronn secretly Doctor Who, maybe?

It’d probably be a good buddy movie

They’re quite depressing as a pair, Arya and the Hound.

They’re not actually very good CGI

They never have been, to be honest.

Anyone sensible would dislike the idea of Dany as a monarch, Tyrion. She’s been consistently mediocre-at-best for the entire eight seasons.

I do kinda love this whole “Sansa is the only person who can see right through Dany” thing. Tyrion is fooling himself, though.

“Someone better” is almost anyone with a vague capability to rule.

Oh, I guess Gilly didn’t die last episode. I hadn’t been clear about it (although should have realized when she didn’t have a funeral and Sam set fire to Edd).

I remember when leaving direwolves behind was supposed to be a bad omen.

We are sailing…

I’m assuming this is prelude to a sea ambush, because absolutely nobody keeps watch in Westeros.

Oh, nice, Sansa did actually say “fuck it” and tell Tyrion. So now that secret is all out (or “it’s not a secret”, as Varys points out).

No, Dany is not one for sharing. Is Tyrion in denial now?

It would be kinda fun if Cersei did win and kill them all, honestly.

Scorpions!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Absolutely fucking epic. They actually did the sensible thing and made loads of scorpions.

I’m so happy about that, I really really am.

And I suppose at least this time they had an excuse for not noticing the complete enemy fleet.

Bet you a million dollars Tyrion didn’t get killed by that falling mast.

See, I earned a million dollars, just like last episode.

Cersei running more rings around people.

This is a bad tactical situation

How did they capture just Missandei?

Dany has hit the point of “we have to destroy this village in order to save it”.

Cogs turning for Tyrion (a little late, but…). Yes, Hand, your queen is just like the worst of the Targs.

Jon would be a really boring ruler. Not as boring as Bran, but there is a consistent trend among those Stark boys. Boring is probably good in reality, less so in the plot.

Meanwhile, all the way back up north

Awkward post-nuptial glances. And bad news about that dragon, I guess.

I’m assuming this is Jaime making the decision to go to King’s Landing to kill his sister.

After that pointless romance, the pointless break-up, so that Jaime can go back to try and kill Cersei.

Travel times in Westeros being what they are, he’ll be there in a couple of hours.

Face/Off

I wouldn’t have picked Missandei for the dead pool.

And surely those scorpions can reach Drogon from there!

“Surrender!” “Nope, you surrender!”

All fairness to Cersei, she’s been so far ahead strategically it’s not even funny. Why should she surrender? (If she genuinely just gets killed by Jaime now, I’ll be quite sad)

Good of her to allow the Tyrion monologue. Kinda fucks up some of her alliance with fighty pirate man. Also, isn’t the response to “your reign is over” right now “fucking why? I’m winning.”

Farewell Missandei, we’ll always remember Hollyoaks!

Aaaaaaaand, Dany’s just stepped into crazytown.

Next week

Dramatic waiting. And I’m assuming dragons versus scorpions in a way that’ll somehow let Drogon win.

Inside the episode

It’s telling that this season they have to spend ten minutes after each episode now explaining to us what we’re supposed to have seen.


Robin Cannon

Random thoughts on culture, entertainment, politics, and the world today. robin-cannon.com for my more professionally-focused writing. @shinytoyrobots on Twitter.