The Bachelor - WTF is this Medieval Bullshit?

March 12, 2019

My wife, Kim, said “please hate watch The Bachelor with me”. So I have been. I’d heard of it before, and had a basic idea of what it was about. But I’d never watched it before.

What the fuck is this medieval bullshit? It’s a show about some mediocre bro-dude whittling down a group of desperate women. Eventually one of those women will prove themselves “good enough”. And then they get engaged, or something. In 2019!!!

Yes, I know there’s also a “The Bachelorette”, to bring some gender equality. But, fucking seriously?

The quick summary of the bits I mostly didn’t watch

Anyway, there’s Colton, who’s inaccurately called a pro football player. But apparently is just unemployed a couple of years out of college. You might also, if you watch and listen hard enough, find out that Colton is a virgin. And then there’s a bunch of women who compete to go on dates with him and stuff.

Very very very boring dates. With very very very stilted and scripted “real” conversations. Where nobody eats anything.

A bunch of these women convince themselves they have feelings for this mediocrity. Colton makes out with some of them, and is “confused”. Some of the women come to their senses and decide to leave. Though not all of them, which would have been better and more amusing.

Lots of the women talk about how they need to leave because they can’t “share” Colton’s feelings. But that’s the whole (heinous) point of the show.

Towards the end of the season

Anyway, we get down to the final three. And then they do home visits, which are super awkward. Colton does the “ask the dad for permission/blessing”. Daughters are possessions, right? All the dads seem…doubtful. Because you would be, when there’s some dumb dude asking if he can maybe…if she proves good enough and he doesn’t like someone else better…ask your daughter to marry him. Cassie’s dad, in the most politely Christian way he can, tells Colton to fuck right off.

…which later comes out, when Cassie’s dad comes to tell her “no, I didn’t give no blessing”. Cassie expresses doubts. And so Colton says “well, I don’t care what your dad says”. So why fucking ask in the first place? And Cassie says she loves him, and he says he loves her, and he thinks he’s going to get laid, but Cassie leaves him instead.

Colton gets mad and in “the most dramatic thing ever” in 23 seasons of The Bachelor he jumps over a fence and wanders off into Portugal. It was so spontaneous it probably only took four or five takes for him to make that leap.

The season “finale”, part one.

If you have a “two-part finale”, then the first part isn’t a finale.

We get the climax of all the drama of the fence jump. Which is weird host Chris Harrison searching briefly for Colton, before finding him. It was so exciting. I was hoping that Colton might have found love in the arms of a swarthy Portuguese gentleman (they were in the Algarve). That would have been a real twist.

Colton dumps Taysia, the only one of the final three who seems to have an actual personality. It’s surprising she’s in the final. Take a look at the ethnic makeup of The Bachelor and how non-white contestants do. Let alone the apparent failure in general of interesting people to progress.

He also dumps…Hannah…is that her name? She seems to have advanced to the final three primarily because everyone forgot her. She “reminds him of home”, whatever that means.

Colton is also a selfish prick in those break-ups. Taysia comforts him after he dumps her. He goes on about how sick he feels when he breaks up with Hannah. About how hard it is for him to make the right decision. I don’t know why Hannah doesn’t punch him in the throat, but instead they hug.

Chris Harrison rubs some onion in his eyes and puts on a sad face, so he can interview Taysia and Hannah. Then each of them gets to see Colton for the first time since Portugal. For some reason they both continue to express sympathy and affection for him.

We then start to wrap up with a selection of former The Bachelors to give “wisdom”. They all look the same, and they look like douches…it’s creepy. I don’t know their names. It doesn’t matter. Their advice is…irrelevant.

But what will happen next?

Colton is “completely alone”. Chris Harrison implies that Colton should go after Cassie again.

“God bless him for fighting for it,” says one of the forgettable douches. Another, who research tells me won The Bachelorette and is still with his partner, says “maybe Colton should listen to what Cassie wants”. The shock of a sensible, respectful, opinion.

We go back to some highlights from Portugal after what Chris calls “a shocking turn”. An amusing slip in the Hulu closed captioning; “Colton wants to start a life” says Cassie. “Colton wants to start a lie” says the subtitle. She says that she knows she’s made the right decision.

But we know how this episode ends, don’t we?

Colton chases after Cassie.

He demands he be loved back.

Because he’s made sacrifices.

Because he deserves it.

The man will refuse to take no for an answer from a woman who very clearly told him no.

Which sounds about right for this genuinely heinous premise for a show. 23 fucking seasons…?

Check back to see if I can stand a hate watch of the actual finale finale.

Robin Cannon

Random thoughts on culture, entertainment, politics, and the world today. for my more professionally-focused writing. @shinytoyrobots on Twitter.